The FOUR important questions successful people ask ... Part 3 - WHY NOT ME?

QUESTION 3 - WHY NOT ME?

Out of the four all important questions that successful people ask, regularly ... this is perhaps the most challenging for many ... including ME.  Actually, on reflection ... it is interesting how long I've procrastinated writing this next blog post, compared to the first two in this series;  weeks!  Asking 'WHY?' and 'WHY [the hell] NOT?' just seems to flow from my head to my mouth without pushing. Asking WHY ME? ... well that strikes my core … challenges me to question what stops ME taking action.

In the two previous blogs of this series of 4, I talked about the question 'WHY' being a perfectly good question; definitely a long held habit of mine based on curiosity ... and my absolute favourite question being 'WHY NOT'; the stronger challenging question that is driven from an attitude of continually seeking better options.  Asking 'WHY NOT' feeds the need to explore richer colour, deeper texture and 'outside-the-box' thinking ... to live a fuller life ... and champion change. 

If you haven't started there, I suggest you read the previous blogs first -  PART 1 - WHY? and PART 2 - WHY NOT?

We ask WHY questions because we are searching for answers ... solutions to stuff not working ...        new ways, innovative ideas, exploring options, and seeking growth.

So ... let’s say you have come up with some great new ideas ... or some obvious ones that others in your team or community seem to avoid jumping on  ... and it's clear that to make positive changes, someone has to influence it, drive it, lead it ... so, the question that comes up is:

WHY NOT ME? ...

Who me? ... Yep YOU.   Why NOT YOU?  Do you often hear that inner challenging voice? I'm wondering if there is another, some-what louder voice that comes up within a nano-second of the first thought ... that shouts:

"I can’t' do that "

"What if I fail?"

"What if they reject my ideas and don't support the program?"

"I'm not experienced enough ... qualified enough ... smart enough ... confident enough ... connected enough ...  thin enough ... attractive enough ... basically - I'm not good enough"
"I'm not ready"

It is these thoughts that hold us back from having a go ... from being at the forefront to lead change ... from starting our own businesses ... from promoting our expertise more broadly ... or perhaps from simply saying what we think in meetings and leaning in to decision making tables. These inner thoughts are driven by our FEARS.   It is our own fear that stops us in our tracks, stops us from progressing, holds us back from making real changes in our own lives, and a real difference in our communities. 

We can put numerous names to types of FEARs ... but generally they will fall into these three core fears:

1.       FEAR OF FAILURE [making mistakes / not getting desired results]

2.       FEAR OF REJECTION [not being loved / liked / accepted / supported]

3.       FEAR OF NOT BEING ENOUGH [linked to concern over others expectations or what others think]

Personally ... I believe the greatest of these is the "fear of not being good enough" ... and this comes from comparing ourselves with others ... often over-estimating what we think others may expect ... and under-estimating the skills, passion and drive we can bring to the program. 

The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think

This is a particularly crippling fear for many talented, potentially inspirational women ... we are constantly marketed to and conditioned to feel like we don't measure up to 'the ideal' women, 'the perfect' mother,  'the super-women' who does it all and still looks great on the front of a magazine cover.  We women put ourselves under so much more pressure to 'be good enough' than most men ever worry about.

An interesting researched fact that illustrates this, is that most women will not put their hand up for a career promotion unless they feel they have 90-120% of the skills and experience which THEY believe the job requires [that is: - job description + their own expectations + what they think others will expect of them].  Too often women think "I'm not ready" for that. Men, on the other hand, will often go for the same career promotion with as little as 50% of what the job description outlines ... believing that they have the ability to grow into it.

YOU CAN CHANGE THIS ... 

The first thing is to be aware of what the core fear is that is stopping you from stepping forward to do what you know you really want to do ... recognise what is coming up for you and name that sucker! 

The second and most important thing is to know that core fear comes from inside YOU ... which means YOU have originally created it!  When that risk-adverse voice comes up for me [and yes, it still does at times], I like to recall this quote:

"The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it" - Jordan Belfort

My point is this: Fears are just stories we tell ourselves ... and if you have initially created these stories that stop you from BEing YOU and doing the things you want to do ... then you can change that now by simply creating new stories to tell yourself.  

Learn to question your own fears ... a great question to ask yourself is:  REALLY?

FAILURE?  If I make a mistake or things don't turn out quite like I thought they would ... is it really a failure?  What if I learned from that and tried a slightly different direction or a new option?  

Do you think that Richard Branson NEVER makes a mistake? ... or tried ideas that didn't quite work? Successful people know that the path to greatness is not a straight, upwards pointing arrow ... it is a zig-zag path of learnings.

REJECTION?  If some people don't like the program, or don't support your ideas ... does it really matter ... does it really decrease the value of it? What if they are simply risk-adverse and held back by a fear that you have already overcome? What if you surrounded yourself with only those 5-6 supportive people who lift you higher?

Successful people are often the ones who go out on a limb ... think differently, are different, are daring, are impractical and anything but slaves to the ordinary or average ...  and these are usually the ones that end up making a difference in the world. Most innovative successes have come from small groups of people doing things differently ... not following crowd opinion.

NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH?  Really?  ... by whose standards? What if there was no competition?  ... What if you embraced your authentic self and simply acknowledged that you are an awesome, imperfect, unique individual with valid opinions and ideas ... that there is no one like you and therefore you are in competition with no one?

When you believe in yourself and all that you are, you know that there is something unique inside you that is greater than any blockage or created fear.

Believe in yourself ... you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think

Those who know me ... know that I embrace individuality, uniqueness, standing out and being different.  From appearance - funky hair, clothing combinations, tattoos and piercings -> to continually researching new ideas ... I have no desire to look like, copy or be like anyone else. I recognised this as a strength from a very young age ... perhaps initially as a rebellion from the highly conservative, strict, judgmental environment I was raised in [more on my journey in my up-coming book]... and in later years,  with an awesome feeling of freedom from not having to conform to others expectations,  I became confident to question status quo and passionate about leading change. Why wouldn't I?  

When you embrace your individuality, and proudly be YOU ... there is no desire to follow the flock, nor will you lose sleep over the opinion of the other sheep.  

Successful people influence, initiate and lead change ... and the world needs more people to step forward and help drive that.

WHY NOT ME? WHY NOT YOU?  

Not yet? ... not the right timing? ... not ready? ... not interested in being out front? 

IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO? ... 

Why not initiate the conversation ... influence the direction ... support others to lead the change. 

Don't be content with being a sheep ... 

Be a game changer ... the world has enough followers. 

Perhaps you are often thinking 'not yet' ... procrastinating and full of excuses? ... make sure you read my next blog - Question 4 - WHY NOT NOW? 

If you'd like to explore your unique strengths with someone who can help you get to the core of what stops you from stepping forward, standing out and speaking up, engage a Life / Leadership Coach  ... I would be happy to help or refer you to someone else who can assist you.

Stay tuned for Part 4 - WHY NOT NOW? 

The FOUR important questions successful people ask ... Part 2 - WHY NOT?

QUESTION 2 - WHY NOT? ... 

WHY NOT WHAT? ...
                                  Why not ...              

raise your head ... open your eyes ...

look up ... look forward ... look broadly ...

be the real YOU ... be noticed ...

actively search for other ideas ...

 do something differently  ... do something else ... 

try a new thing ... dare to have a go ... 

go that extra mile ... do more than what's expected ... 

surprise them ... shock them ... 

maybe surprise and shock yourself ... 

YOU will be amazed at what you can achieve from asking yourself ... WHY [the hell] NOT?

In the previous blog of this series of four,  I talked about the question 'WHY' being a perfectly good question, a favourite of mine. Living a life of WHY-ing curiosity not only builds valuable knowledge, it also provides clarity ... you get to hear various opinions and really work out what YOU think, what YOU believe, what floats your boat in life ... and what doesn't. So, asking WHY helps you to know YOUR WHY and get clear on your purpose in life. 

If you haven't started there ... you may like to read the previous blog first -  PART 1 - WHY?

Now ... having said previously that WHY is a fav question of mine, I must admit that the second question that pops up for me - absolutely trumps that! WHY NOT? It's stronger ... it's where I go next to make sense of what I've just seen or heard ... it's where my knowledge, broad experiences, confidence, individuality, strong leadership drive, and a little WTF attitude kicks in ... to push ahead further ... to explore what's stopping me [and others] from taking the next step. 

WHY NOT? is a powerful question ... 

Lets start with YOU.  This question - WHY NOT? -  is a great way to challenge your own thinking ... especially if that little doubting voice of: ... 'I can't do that' ... pops up.   WHY can't you? Is it really that you 'can't', or more like you've decided you 'won't'.  How do you know you can't, if you haven't tried?  At what stage in your life did you decide 'this is it' ... 'this is all there will be' ... 'it's too late to change now'.  Why would you choose to do that?  Why not keep learning ... keep experiencing new things ... add some excitement and passion into your life?  

Yep ... I ask a lot of questions in my blogs. I have a genuine intent and purpose in doing so: ... I want you to be challenged, to question yourself first before you focus on questioning everyone else.  My purpose is to encourage you to be the greatest version you can be ... to feel successful in your own life, so you can model that for others. 

Powerful questions like - WHY NOT? - causes the start of many great conversations with the nay-sayers and risk adverse people ... helping to get to the core of their negative or anti-change responses. Some get power from saying NO [like having the 'balance of power' in politics] ... it is often their ego and need for significance that drives that response.  Many are simply fearful of the unknown [or change] ... stuck in their own comfort zones and scared the 'new' might not be 'better'. 

I love exploring options further with others to find out: ... 'WHY they say NO to considering other options' ... 'WHY they don't want to change' ... 'WHY they think it won't work'. It's a way to show them that often there are other choices they haven't considered. It's where you say NO to being pushed into a way-too-small box and YES to breaking down the walls to check out more possibilities.

WHY NOT? is a colourful question ...

In case you haven't noticed, I love Zebra stripe print. I also admire the Zebra animal ... it stands out from the other animals in the field ... each one is also distinguishable from it's fellow Zebra as each has it's own unique markings ... an individuality statement. So, even though the Zebra is perhaps simply black and white ... it makes a striking, bold statement. 

Now ladies, we know that while wearing black and white clothing can be quite striking, adding a splash of bright colour like red, or yellow, or rich blue ... can really take that outfit to the next level of boldness ... personalising it with your own individual style. How boring would the world be if everything was in black and white?

Similarly ... asking -WHY NOT? questions can do the same.  Like experimenting with colour, it adds the life and contrast into BLACK or WHITE ... YES or NO ... RIGHT or WRONG ... only THIS or only THAT. 

WHY NOT? is a BOLD question ...

Yes, it takes courage to challenge the status quo ... in yourself and others. The easy option may be to 'go with the flow' or simply keep accepting mediocre behaviour and average options ... but the best results comes from exploring the possibilities and grasping hold of the opportunities. 

Life is too short to not take action on the 'what ifs' and 'why nots'.  I really don't think anyone would lay on their death bed and say: ..."I wish I did less, experienced less, travelled less, tried less stuff ... ". Hmmmm ... now that's an interesting left-field thought ... and puts a good dose of reality into it. 

Successful people ask WHY NOT? ... a lot. They know there are always more options and ideas that they haven't thought of or tried yet. The world needs people who are willing to stand out from the average ... people who will inspire much needed change in their communities ... 

The world needs people who are bold enough to ask: WHY NOT? 

If you'd like to explore your WHY NOT with someone who can help you get to the core of what stops you from being the greatest version you can be, engage a Life / Leadership Coach  ... I would be happy to help or refer you to someone else who can assist you.

Stay tuned for Part 3 - WHY NOT ME? ...
... where I will share more about how to build your personal power and identify the fears that stop many from stepping up, standing out, and speaking up.

The FOUR important questions successful people ask ... Part 1 - WHY?

QUESTION 1 - WHY?  

Why is a perfectly good question.  It's always been a favourite of mine. In fact, it is often the first question that comes into my head, especially when I see same-old actions happening, or an average option to consider, or mediocre behaviour being accepted, or any illogical or inefficient process.  It's like an alarm bell goes off in my head dinging loudly:

Why? ... why keep doing it that way? ... why would I do that? ... why complicate things? ... why should I accept that?

OMG ... so many WHY questions come up for me as I write this blog. I've been WHY-ing since I was a kid. My Dad used to answer with ..."because I said so and that's good enough" ... or "because that's just the way it is or always has been" ... or "because that's the rules";  that was never good enough ... and never has been enough for me.

Now, I'm all for having some boundaries in life, and grateful in many ways that I had strict parents from which I gained high level ethics and good morals.  However, in all honesty, rules for me have always been dotted line guidelines;  ... maybe handy for those who are happy to follow instructions and not have to think for themselves;  ... but for me, more like 'just one option' to consider and always looking outside the dotted line for more interesting and alternative options.

Funny thing is, in more recent years, I've worked in overly regulated government departments and agencies and, although I was there to lead change and drive new thinking, in hindsight it wasn't a good fit for my 'outside-the-box' explorations, as I had to work hard to constantly find another way under the radar of  the rules saying 'NO'. It was like being pushed down into a way-to-small box which they had trouble keeping the lid on. I escaped several years ago; ... there is no passion in playing small.

So, you could say I have an inquiring mind and a thirst for 'what else'.  Yes, I'm a keen observer, I have a need to know why,  I like learning new things, I like to make sense of the stuff that happens in and around my world, and I like exploring options. So what? Hardly a unique concept; lots of people are like that you say?  

Well, here's the thing: ... I'm also one of those weird people who generally answers her own WHY questions ... pretty damn quickly [and sometimes out loud!]. I often go from WHY -> to why not -> to why not me -> to why not now; ... with a level of decisiveness that I see many others struggle with. How do I do that? I believe it's because over the years of observing and asking so many WHY's, I have become very clear on my own WHY. 

Knowing your WHY is about being clear on your purpose in life ... 

• your core values
• your beliefs
• your aspirations and goals
• your drivers, and ...
• your choices.  

When you have this inner strength that clarity of purpose brings, then making decisions is easy as the self-doubt is smashed; ... and because the answers are within YOU ... always.  It's about removing the fears that stop you in your tracks and block your progress; ... knowing you can trust your gut instincts, and responding in a way that is right for you; ... that fits with your purpose in life.

I often see people holding themselves back at meetings or in work groups, as they are afraid of asking a 'stupid' question. Stop worrying about what others may think of you or trying to impress them.  Be YOU.  Your questions matter. They are not stupid questions. Stupid people are the ones who don't ask questions ... and follow blindly.

So next time you have to make an important decision, or are in that meeting observing something puzzling, thinking about lots of stuff and have a million WHY questions coming up for you; ... don't just sit there and play small.  Think about YOUR WHY, your purpose for being there,  and what you need to know to reach an informed decision.

Know your WHY ... get clear on your purpose in life ... the world has enough followers.

If you need help with finding that clarity of purpose in your life, engage a Life / Leadership Coach ... I would be happy to help or refer you to someone who can assist you. 

That is one of the reasons I have started this blog spot - DARE TO BE ...  because the purpose of my life is: 

" ... to be the passionate, genuine, 'out there', full version of my unique self ... to lead, influence and inspire others to grow to be the greatest version of themselves, and to make a difference in changing unresourceful thinking in others and the broader community."

Stay tuned for Part 2 - WHY NOT?

Written by Jilinda Lee - Change Champion Coach

LEAN IN for women – Neurological studies comparing gender brain differences

YES Ladies …  we are different! 

Female and male thinking and responses naturally differ; … we are actually structured differently in the brain; … AND as our hormones change, so does our brain functionality. Fascinating stuff!

Now,  we know that women are generally good at avoiding conflict and reading body language and emotional cues.

Apparently, we honed these skills way back in prehistoric times when we were more vulnerable, with a smaller stature and a greater need to protect ourselves and our infants.  In contemporary primate studies, females with stronger social connections have a higher survival rate … and for males, survival depends on physical aggression and competition with other males [you know, the usual 'mine's bigger than yours' posturing].  According to neurological studies, these methods of survival shaped the female brain and its response to stress.

Here’s the thing: … Structurally, the female brain has three areas that are larger than the male brain:

1. The pre-frontal cortex [the control centre for emotions];
2. The insular [the intuition centre];  and
3. The hippocampus [which stores memories with strong emotion such as arguments and romantic encounters]

The amygdala, which is responsible for physical aggression, is smaller in females.

These differences start to develop just after conception. The male foetal brain encourages growth in the sexual and aggression centres and reduces nerve fibres in the communication, emotion and observation centres.   Whereas, in females, oestrogen stimulates nerve fibre growth in communication, emotion and observation centres, including areas responsible for intuition, caring and empathy. This causes several structural brain differences that persist through life.

So there it is!  … Women have 11 per cent more neurons for language and hearing than men, and girls speak up to 3 times more words per day than boys … and speak more rapidly.  
Ahhh … so girls … you can tell him it’s normal!

From birth, girls show more interest in the emotional expressions of those around them and are better at reading faces and picking up on human vocal tones. As puberty develops, hormones hijack the brain … and young adult women are twice as likely to suffer from stress, anxiety and depression.  

Recent functional brain imaging studies in adolescent girls experiencing adverse emotional symptoms, showed structural changes in the brain between the frontal lobe and other areas including the amygdala and hippocampus. Interesting … so when others say ‘its all in her head’ … it is!  It’s a physical; … structural brain change that impacts on her natural responses.

There is a whole lot of other stuff written about menstrual cycle peaks, which impacts on our varying levels of desire for socialisation, sharpness of brain and performance ability … suffice to say that for some women, the rapid change in brain functioning linked to hormone fluctuations can be extremely emotionally disruptive.

Now here’s where I got my biggest ‘Ahhaaa’ moment … for those of us going through menopause or post menopause … listen up.   As the oestrogen depletes, there is LESS drive to avoid conflict, to tolerate or maintain [unhealthy] relationships at all costs, and/or to care entirely for the needs of others … you know, it’s time to stop putting others first … it’s now YOUR time!  Your amygdala is heightened!  Interestingly, women are much more likely to initiate a divorce after 50 years of age [or post menopause] than a male.

Studies also show that women’s brains have a heightened response in their amygdala when anticipating pain, fear or threat; … their brains appearing to be more sensitive to perceived threats. 

Generally women are more wired for reducing conflict, fostering strong social relationships and caring for others, BUT if their relationships at work are under threat, if conflict is persistent, or if they feel ostracised … they may show more aggression, though often verbally, subtle and relationship based. Whereas, men biologically lack the sophistication of verbal fluency, and the ability to read subtle emotional clues, and simply don’t have the capacity for the emotional memory that women have; … they thrive on competition and are more likely to respond with aggression.

So lets look more closely at workplace roles: … Due to their biological makeup, women in general thrive in workplace positions and projects that fuel their ability to socialise, connect and form purposeful relationships. Men however, are more likely to succeed in individual projects or in a competitive environment, which activates their aggression, motiving their innate drive to succeed.

Now if we put this into practical context: … The LEAN IN global movement is focused on encouraging more women to lean in to the decision making tables … to bring about more equal opportunity in the workplace … to value the skills and abilities women can bring to leadership positions. I agree with Sheryl Sandberg – Chief Operating Officer of Facebook and author of the book LEAN IN, in that I too have been questioning for many years why, despite the progress women have made, men still hold the vast majority of leadership positions in government, industry and the big end of town. Even worse than that, the percentages of women in the top jobs has not increased in the past decade.  In fact, if you look at the current Federal and State government roles in Australia, women’s representation has considerably decreased.

Yes sure … men are more competitive and may more aggressively push their way to get to the corner office … BUT, once there … are they a boss who struts around posturing positional power? …  are they aggressive and competitively focused on winning at any cost …  or are they a real leader?

You see, from many years of leadership observation and studies,  I know that great leaders are those who build great relationships … have genuine empathy for others … value purposeful connections and develop supportive teams. Great leaders have high levels of Emotional Intelligence [EQ], which starts with being self-aware of their own emotions and intuitively knowing the impact their behaviours have on others.   They can read the room, pick up on the subtle undercurrents, and mindfully focus on what matters to others.   Great leaders are driven to inspire and lead others … not motivated by self importance.  Just quietly, in my Leadership Coaching practice, I also know how hard it is for men to drop their ego and learn how to do this stuff.

Think about it … given the structure of the female brain and how we are naturally wired for genuine, engaging leadership roles;  … then lets get serious about having real gender equality at leadership levels … lets acknowledge we feel threatened and annoyed at having to sit on the sidelines for way too long … and lets heighten our aggression levels … bring our amygdala to the fore.   We should never feel like we ‘don’t have what it takes’ or ‘not good enough’.

Surely it’s not just middle-age women like me who have been frustrated by this all our working lives,  and have lost any tolerance for the status quo ... who are willing to take a stand on this.

Show your support  … Join a LEAN IN circle … contact me if you would like to know more about joining a LEAN IN circle or creating one in your community. 

Written by Jilinda Lee  … including research by Dr John Cummins - published in HR Monthly - April 2014.